4 years

LET THE PICTURE EXPLAIN FOUR YEARS BACK. 

ENGAGED 10.10.09

MARRIED 12.12.09

Healing

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY POWER OF HEALING ONLY:-

PRAYER!!!!

Gaji oh gaji....

Baru gaji yeah!!!!! duit duit..Boleh percaya baru gaji at 7th even though myself kut yang buat gaji-menggaji ni. 

But let me tell you iffffff there is none to collect how to gaji?

Well, let them be! Fore certain people:-

HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

Can't wait!

I love writing. 

It help me a lot. 

Such therapy that I got from it. 

Even though my life has ups and down and there were moments of tears but part of me I am happy for what I have today. When I feel down, I write her, I am happy, I write here and there is something I got to tell but I can't tell anyone, or telling them only hurt me more, I write it all here.

I at U today, I love the atmosphere, the loving surroundings, the smell that I can't describe and how  I've been so nervous about whole this things.

I am going to crazy to describe the feelings which I am the only one whom know and there is no hard work to succeed. I guess I am ready for this, for everything and hope Allah will make it easy for me. Not so easy but please not so difficult. Long journey though and I can't wait!

Email Layout

I just don't get the new layout of yahoo mail! I just don't get it! IT IS SO TROUBLESOME!

--------scrapbook---------

"THE RAINBOW AFTER THE RAIN"

God never promise us a good life on earth;
but He gave the assurance that there will always
be a rainbow after the rain.

Life on earth is not always what we expected
and wanted it to be. But if we can put our
trust in God, He can sail us through definitely.

God never let us bear what is impossible;
and He makes sure what we bear is the
limit that we can take without much difficulty.

After the rain, things will be changed;
everything on earth seems to be new
and clean. With these renew scenario,
we should be:

- a more positive and courageous person
as indicated by the RED of the rainbow;

- a creative, thoughtful and joyful person
as indicated by the ORANGE of the rainbow;

- an intelligent, confident and logical person as
indicated by the YELLOW of the rainbow;

- a renewed, generous and practical person as
indicated by the GREEN of the rainbow;

- a peaceful, sincere and responsible person as
indicated by the BLUE of the rainbow;

- a relaxed, devoted and wise person as
indicated by the INDIGO of the rainbow;

and last but not least, a spiritual and idealistic
person as indicated by the VIOLET of the rainbow.

 Author: Maple

It Is Time NOW!

Last three days I have a small discussions with husband. He is actually in the middle of project amende entah and I asked him "If this project didn't succeed what are you going to do?" and he answered me "Boleh jangan bagi soalan cepu emas petang-petang camni?" Soalan yang di balas soalan. 

Then, it may took some times for him to think ke apa kan, yesterday he told me " Samada jadi ke tak projek I ni, you boleh buat apa you nak. Kena struggle la, tapi selama ni pun kita struggle kan". Yessssssss...it is actually the answer that I want to hear.

Sebenarnya, the reason that I still did not want to continue studies is because he asked me to stay at my work for a while because he just scared that his business does not run well.

If I go for studies, he will the only one to pay everything. Since lately he believe that he could support us, I should grab this opportunity la because all this while pun I cuma dapat cakap-cakap and tulis-tulis kat blog that I wanted to further my studies tapi tak buat jugak kan.

Mak pun asyik support and asked me to sambung la, she really supportive la kan. Soooooo, here we goo! Started to do proposal. NOW!

Adui penatnye

Yesterday, i went out with family and four of us had dinner at Aeon Big. Bukan jauh sangat pun and no special dinner pun. It just dah lama tak keluar sebab nak bawa extra handbag sekarang aduhai. I was just about to have fun la with kids and I realize that both of them (adik and Marsya) was begging for my attention sooooo much. 

Hasisshhh, tak tahula apasal diorang berdua tu sikit-sikit mummy. Adik pantang nampak I was about to wear tudung every morning mula dah hek hek hek sana sini. Kakak pulak dan dan nak mummy dukung ke kerete padahal all these while pun daddy kan yang dukung. 

I was looking at myself and find I am no more attractive. Hahahahahah. And all time I was so quiet and have no mood on conversation with daddy. tak taula apsal tiba-tiba mood swing. I am so tired of everything. TIRED

Ramadhan has gone and Syawal comes like a thunder you know. It fast. It just about a blink and here is Syawal.

I have gone through strict diet during Ramadhan but Syawal has spoiled everything. My tummy was become bigger than ever!

During Ramadhan, I started to develop a hobby. For me, as individual, we should find a hobby to fill our free time. 

Honestly, I don't have any free time, I tell you people, but after sahur I found that there is a one sweet time for me to do something.

I sew manik (beads) to all my baju raya. Hahahahah. I used to love beads but this year fashion is more to renda (lace) which paste on the baju kurung arm / chest. Its glam you'll. 

I am also trying to started sewing again. Buka balik mesin jahit yang mak hadiahkan masa kahwin hari tu. If I am not trying now, sampai bila-bila pun tak kan buat, so I take baby step to it. Alteration to Marsya punya tudung. Potong and jahit tepi and tambah flower, tadaaaaaaaa!!! I should be proud of myself. 

Yesterday, I got terrible flu and day after (Monday) I got one and half day MC (Monday 1/2 day). I stayed at home, send kids to their nanny / nursery. Then, I started to do house work and after kids come back, I got so tired and nagging to Marsya all about how tired I am. She asked me "Mummy ni kenapa?" Each time I got tired and I have to do house work, my face will change automatically and she usually understand what am I going through and tried to behave and help me. Bukan tolong, tolong sepahkan lagi ada. Deep down inside me memang touching sangat kalau dia start to ask me why. I knew that she is going to be a big girl and I tried to hide my emotion and show only good feelings to her. Whatever it is a bad day ke hape ke I tried to show her less bad emotions. I am afraid that she will grow emotionally. I just wanted her to be happy. Everytime her dad scold her, I will try not to and calm her down so that she knew I will there for her in no matter what had happen. Nowadays, if kids do not trust their parents, they will go to their friends, but if the friends has bad influence to them, they will choose the wrong way.

It is not easy to become parents also not easy for kids to live with parents who just not understandable.

I guess by having some hobby, I will become more positive towards live and family-life about. There was a time that I get bored and give up to everything and just want to let go everything that I have. It is totally wrong. If I let go off everything now, I am sure that I will regret the whole life.

Back to the house work that I got to do, this is all faith that Allah has given to me. Until now, hubby still did not get down payment for payment that he has pay to Indonesian agent. They promise that they will pay back the money to us if we did not satisfied with the maid. We have given time to them but it's four month already and there is no news about the money. In fact, the agent change his mobile number. Additional to this, cousin who introduce us to this agent keep silent about this. We knew that the cousin also got portion from the money paid and did not help us on this matter. The consequences was they (cousins family) did not come over to our house for raya this year. I also did not invited her family for akikah Aryan. The fact that I've been hurt from what had happen plus I got to do house work by myself and got tired easily with two kids around me. Each time I remember her (maid) I will cursed her and did make any good to me at all. Trying to forget that I treat her good, but repay me for nothing make me pain.

Redha and give it all to Alah, insyaAllah Allah will pay me more pahala hereafter.

LWM Part I

OMG!!!!! It's been a while, please Allah give me some space to breath. Hurrmmmmm. A few month back, I promise myself to keep on writing, to say what I couldn't say to others through this blog. But then I failed! Hahahaahah. It's all update on me with my LWM. I am happy it success, yeah! I am losing some weight and I was happy though I still couldn't eliminate number 6 in front but I trust myself that I could do this.

21st May - 65.7 kg. My first appointment. 50 days in confinement.

14th June - 64.5 kg.

19th June - 63.0 kg. I still feel fat with flabby

29th June - 64.8 kg. Suddenly I am increasing weight. It's all happen because SA got so many function and I ate a lot.

8th July   - 63.2 kg. Still on dietary plan schedule.

28th July - 60.6 kg. Yeahhhhhhh!!! Only 0.7 to go to get number '5' in front! It is 19th Ramadhan some more.

It is not only I got a good dietary plan but Ramadhan time! Love Ramadhan! I monitored my weight closely and took count what I ate almost everyday. My iftar started with oats and I only eat after that. I did not eat carbo at all, unless if I 'buka" at my parents home. My sahur started with diet coffee and half plate of rice with 'lauk'.

Today is 19th Ramadhan and we will see next whether I could or could not reducing my weight during Syawal!

LWM

Yesterday I went to LWM for treatment and manage to reduce 2kg plus since the first day - 65.7 and currently I am 63. The first trial I went through on May 2013. It is free, then I sign up and the first treatment on 14th June and yesterday was the second treatment. Overall, I already went through 3 sessions. The next  appointment will be on 29th means 10 days more and aim for 3-4kilos.  If I got to manage reduce another 4kilos means I am succeed to remove the 6 to 5 in front, yeahhh!!! Still working on it!

I just love my consultant (Megan) and she tought me few things about food intake, calories, what should we eat and what we should not. Even though it is the basic things and we used to know in example do not eat after 6.00 pm but can we follow the diet? It is hard without high motivation. Since I 'pay' LWM and I need to reduce weight to what they expected (Megan wants me to reduce to 52kg) so that I don't have to pay for another extra treatment. I have to make sure that I am loosing some (many) fats and that makes motivation to me. I already sign up for 20 treatment and cause me alot K plus the payment made for 2 years in installment. So I 'have to' loosing weight, I need to!

What the LWM offer you? First and foremost, sauna bath then wrapped by hot blanket. Then they asked us to for bath. The third process involve machine and currently I already tried 3 different machine. Husband do not fully say 'yes' to this programme because what he questions me make sense actually. Where did the fat go?

I did some research and I read through forum and chat room that most slimming programme does not helps people to reduce weight. In fact, some of them become bigger. Why? Slimming programme used machine, the machine does not thrown away fats from our body but smaller the size of fats and that is why make some of them slimmer. What happen when they stopped the programme and back to the normal habits ot eating? They even become fatter.

What is the conclusion? Take smaller amount of food everyday and EXERCISE! The only way to burn the fat, thrown away the fat from our body is by doing EXERCISE! Not the slimming program! So why I still run for the programme? Whenever I saw cakes, oily foods, oily rices I remember that K that I already spent to LWM. Do not make those K useless. I am not rich ok!

My motivation is every time I'm on weight scale at LWM, I want to number to reduce. No matter what. Everytime I went to sauna and hot blanket things, all in my mind was there must be a reason why I am here. It is so relaxing. I can't tell you people. I had a good times. I want to forget everything outsides, every single problems that I faced, my children, husband. I thrown them away from  my mind. I need some time for myself. Megan also noticed that I was so tired everytime I come for treatment and asked me to get some sleep while doing the treatment. Even though the sauna and hot blanket was so damn hot but it is worth. I feel so relax and energetic each time after every sessions.

Back to my routine, I had to wake up as early as 5.3-6 am every day, give formula to aryan, then prepare for kakak and adik to their nursery / nanny, pray, drinks LWM coffee before going to office. After come back with of them trying to spend some time with them before go to sleep. 

After both of them sleeping I try to find some time to ironing, cleaning. Even it is tiring but enjoyable. Love my life and I do not wat to complaint much. It's happy actually, got husband and growing kids. It is just in the meantime we didn't afford to buy our own house yet. Me and husband is working hard to it. InsyaAllah!

Movie & Life

After get back to work, me and husband catch 2 movies together which is Iron Man 3 and Fast & Furious 6

It's kinda dating things since we have no time to "2-time" since Aryan was born. What we did was we left both children with my mum and rushing to Alamanda. Midnite time when kakak and Aryan already go to bed.

Iron Man 3 was excellent and there was an emotionally time when Tony Stark decided to left everything behind (those Iron Man) and we guess there were no more Iron Man sequel, but who knows right?

But one thing that I agree, a man once he decided to settle down, I mean to get married, to have a children, there was a lots of thing involved. His single life, his single lifestyle, he should consider it all. How about women? Women adapt easily and family is all that she need. I always told my girlfriends, I tell to all my girlfriends I guess, that women only have two big things in her life: to be a wife and to be a mother. She got it two, she got everything in life. No complaint at it. Man if they still have their single lifestyle after married, still feel like 'bujang' is not an appropriate man to be married to. Should find another man, thou! 

I took a deep breath after I heard story a friend of mine. She already got divorce! In modern life, there was a normal people around you get divorce. In fact, the statistics also shown that divorcing case in Malaysia has increasing year by year. Me also got few cousins got divorce. Back to my friend, she was divorce to her husband because he (the husband) was an alcoholic, drug addict, womanizers an etc. 

I was thinking that how could he from a good family was doing such a thing? Nowadays, even you already given proper education, and you think that you are already give the best in your children, they will choose what they wanted to be by themselves. Parents only can give guidance and I realized that there were many factors will influence your children which is including environment and friends.

Fast & Furious 6 in the other hand continuous from 5 sequel before shown how the friendship still last and how they stand to each other in hard times. I learn that we will befriend with people are similar with us. If we are a thief, our friends will be thief too. I have many type of friends and those closer to me have children similar age to me and currently living to the same standard of living. I mean almost similar. Hahahaha.

I also learn that we lived to what we choose and fated. The destiny might not be the same but always we will find those people in the same path. These people is our friends and will be colors to our lives. There were a times also that friends will hurt us but nobody is perfect and we will accept our friends as they are and they will learn to like us for what we are. 

Revenge 3

During my confinement, there was a tv series that I luv to watch. Revenge 2. Though I miss a few series finally I got to watch it ending. Guess what? There were absolutely Revenge 3 coming up. It is not ending yet. Emily had revealed to Jack that she was the real Amanda Clarke and how he is gonna act with that. 

Through the premiere and speculation, there were rumors saying that Jack's naive will gone, replacing new revenge made to Grayson family. Jack's little brother had gone and Jack blame all to Grayson's. It is interesting thou?

Anyhow, I just love to see Amanda (Emily) back together with Jack. I didn't know whether it is going to be that way or the series is going to be more and more thrilled. 

Whatever it is, it may took some time the series to reach SWR here in Malaysia as through news, all of them not yet in the shooting scenes. Hahahahahahaha

Syukur atas apa yang ada

Hari ni dah 59 days of pantang, yeahhh..Eh, tak pantang lagi. Esok 60 days and Monday will be back to work. Hermmmmmm. Malas seighhhhh!!!! Baju semua dah tak muat, seluar sume dah letak dalam plastik! Stresss!!!

Lately ini, things like harta benda for future I mean like own house, own car mengganggu prestasi otak untuk berfikir but I couldn't change the fact that there are so much things that I should thankful for.

The fact that I am fat and gain much much more kilos after second birth is painful. I am now 65.7kg at the moment!!!! Yang tergemuk dalam kehidupan. Jangan kira masa pregnant ok.

So suatu hari yang indah, last two weeks if I am not mistaken, I saw LWM at IOI Mall and cakap kat husband "Oh, I nak pergi sini la". Terussss husband heret me and Aryan kat dalam tu. I spoke to Megan (currently my consultant). Terus buat appointment for first trial. 

Eh, before I go on with the story I should say that my inner conflict become strong and stronger and I keep arguing with husband. Kadang-kadang marah dengan benda yang tak kena. kadang-kadang hot dengan benda yang tak munasabah.. Entahla. Before I personally write down bout myself in this blog, I campur-campur tulis in my children blog and my husband read it, and one time when we fight, he said that what I wrote in the blog is fake. Cakap macam it is not me, tak bersyukur la whatsoever. Then, I delete everything personally that I wrote and move to this blog. The other blog meant for my children only. I get hurt by that time and I never told him that I wrote to this blog. I don't want him to read this.

I guess in relationships we one another need space and some one to talk to and someone not judging us. Here, this blog! 

After confinement I did not comfortable with myself and I know that my husband tried to cheer me up even when he made a joke, I just stone. So after my pantang day, he bought me these:-

Yeahhhh, he choose for me and costs about 1k plus!!! He asked me if I wanted new handphone but I choose new glasses because my phone is still ok but my glasses already broken.

He also bought me these to manage and reduce my weight. Haahahahaah. Masa parcel sampai tu ape mende la ni then when I bukak I saw digital body fat scale. Anyhow, I love it!

This is how it looks after I open up it. So modern kan!

 I will try to reduce weight and promise myself to work hard on it!!!!!

Me in confinement

Since the day I am on delivery sampaila ke hari ni, ada banyak cerita yang tak dapat nak ceritakan. The emotion, the feelings, the struggling and everything seem wasn't right for me. I am trying to handle it, to face every challenging moments that happened for the past a month.

I am delivering my second baby on April 2nd and it was the scariest moment ever in my life. I have in trauma for a week and I couldn't forget the pain. I am trying to be positive each day and keep reminding myself that it only temporary and I will forget about it after a month. Yes, I did it. Now, after a month, I feel healthier and trauma has gone and I am writing this posts.

Yet, still remember for the early three weeks, I have been crying a lot. Cry, cry and cry. When people came to visit us (me and baby) I try to show happiness and some time feels like to thrown them away. Feels like to asked them out and shut the door. I NEED REST people! But actually I am happy to talk around, additional the people will say something nice like baby was cute, you reduce some weight and so forth.

A few incidents happen to me while I am in confinement. 

1) Maid had gone. I am at home by 3rd at the night mak couldn't stay with me and asked the girl to look after me while she been away and she will be back the next day. So, through the night, we (me and the girl) take turn to take care of baby since he been crying. This is normal for baby to cry a lot at night at the first or 2 nights after delivery. Mak reach home the next day and carrying all her things, from her clothes to periuk. kuali semua bagai sebab she plan to stay longer with me. Of course, I am in confinement kan. Tiba-tiba pulak minah ni request for cuti for 3 days sebab alasan dia low blood pressure sebab tak cukup tidur kena stay up jaga baby. I am mad. 3 hari from Friday to Sunday. She talk to my mom first first and asked her to talk to me, but mak refuse and asked her to talk to me by herself.

When she confront me, I am about to burst because this Indonesian girl is never thankful for what we did for her. Ye, I am shouting and yelling at her at this moment because she is too much. We are in the middle of having so much things to do but she wants for cuti?? We already gave her weekend break last two weeks and now she trying to pijak kepala us pulak. I asked her, "siapa lagi sakit? Bibik ke saya?" All the way I shouted at her but mak calm me down. 

She is only three weeks with us and I already gave her break the first week she arrived because she said that her cousin is going to married the weekend. We bought her top up (minus her salary), we made TT to Indonesia for her. What else she wants? I am telling you people, Indonesian is very bad people, I tell you. 

The night after discussion with hubby, we refused to have her and let her go. I mean forever. I already made decision clear to her. If she go that night, don't come back. She say nothing but insist to go, you are most welcome. Anyway thank to Allah because I believe that everything had a reason kan? Selama 3 minggu ni pun, dia bebas watching tv and buat kerja rumah tak kemas. Takpela semoga bibik ni dapat majikan lebih baik. What you give you get back.

2) Hilang sijil kahwin dan surat beranak Marsya. Know what, dah puas mak, hubby, adik carik kat tingkat atas, dalam almari buku semua takde and now I was upstairs already da cari pun tak jumpa. Tak tahula misplaced kat mana. Then hubby decide to buat police report, buat sijil kahwin and surat beranak baru untuk Marsya. Then, baru boleh register surat beranak untuk baby. Ini pun stress jugak di buatnya sebab hubby asked me to remember where I put them. Manala nak ingat kan tengah dalam pantang. Emo trippin lagi! Emo dan nangis lagi. 

3) Saya tak menyusu badan anak saya! Why? First two days tak ada susu and baby crying all the way. I tak fikir panjang, terus bagi formula. Kau sanggup ke dengar anak kau melalak-lalak setiap masa sebab tak cukup susu and the second day, left nipples berdarah sebab di gigit baby. He got tense sebab tak ada air, and he is so frustrated. Trauma lagi and and I am in emo lagi. So, I stop bf him and pump all the way. The third day breast pump jam!!!!!  Padahal avent kut! Hubby beli baru electric breast pump for me sebab dia encourage me to fully bf baby tapi jam pulak and he send to Philips for repair. There was a man out there who didn't support their wife to fully bf their baby but my husband did! I didn't succeed, I FAILED! After 2 weeks, there are no more production milk and left my baby with fully formula. Don't judge me, you have no idea what I have been through!

Salute those mom who fully bf their child either exclusively or not. There were when people came by asked me to eat supplement la apela to encourage milk supply, I just stone. I am scared actually, do I have the courage to pump, storage or whatesoever to fully bf my baby? Rajin ke aku? I tanak fikir banyak, I just gave him formula. Stop!

4) Episiotomy. Ini adalah episod kesakitan V yang tak berkesudahan. I told you that lots of issues while in confinement kan. This is one of them. This is episiotomy as seen below.

Dia macam gunting senget sebelah kanan (for mine). The 7th day, nurse came over to my house and told me that jahitan itu melecet. OMG. Patutlah perit-perit all the way. Nak bergerak punyalah perit. Nurse suruh lebih jaga kawasan V. Basuh selalu dengan air garam. tukar pad selalu, letak antiseptik. Oh, sangat rumit penjagaan nya. Again, episod air mata yang berpanjangan. Plus, susah nak buang air besar. Cuba tengok kawasan jahit and anus tu jauh tak? Tak kan, so trauma nak membuang air besar itu sentiasa ada. At the end, I asked hubby to bought laxative. Each time rasa tak bolegh buang, bubuh satu dalam punggung.

When I read around, this type of stitch its usually for those first delivery. Sebab bila anak kedua, selalunya process tu lagi senang and sometimes ada yang tak payah jahit langsung. Untung kan? Tapi takpela, its over and syukur tak ada kejadian yang tak di ingini. I still can have normal delivery, my baby sempurna sifatnya. Alhamdulillah.

On 6th may 2013 (35days) I got check up with Doc Mazita. Doc bagitau yang jahitan tu dah tercantum balik and I dah sihat. Alhamdulliah, issue on jahitan, pantang, sakit semua dah berakhir pada tarikh itu dan cabaran lain akan bermula.

Maid oh Maid

Selepas sessi mengeluh dalam blog few days back, (Allah pun marah kalau mengeluh banyak sangat ye), emotion me as a mom dah stable because my daughter pun dah sihat. Alhamdulillah. Hari ini, masih lagi tidak di hantar ke Taska anak kecil itu. Esok harussss!!!

Hari ini saya ke DEMC untuk check up and naik 1 kilo for past three weeks. Okla kan. 

Emosi hari ini agak stable, sebab Allah beri satu rezeki, insyaAllah rezeki yang baik iaitu maid. Sebenarnya kami dah lama nak kan maid sebab keperluan rumahtangga, tetapi kejadian macam insiden membaling bayi dalam tv buat kami takut.

Sebenarnya kami pun dah appoint satu agent and they promise to send a maid to our home by March, tapi tak dapat hantar because the women yang meant for us tu ada tonsil ke hape entah (macam agent cakap la) so dia selalu demam.

Ok, takpe, tapi aku pun macam dah penat nak bangun pun terhegeh-hegeh la kan. 

Itula kalau sesuatu perkara berlaku, kadang-kadang kita kena redha, sebab Allah selalu takdirkan yang baik untuk kita. I do really belive in that. Syukur.

Sabtu petang, my mom's cousin which I panggil her 'induk' called me. Induk ini kalau orang Negeri Sembilan panggilan untuk makcik yang jauh, lebih kurang macam tula. My mak ni orang Negeri Sembilan yang dah murtad. Why I said like that because mak tak makan pedas termasukla anak-anak dia. Orang Negeri Sembilan kan selalu masak pedas, not our family. Hahahahah.

Induk kata dia ada maid, nak tak? I pun macam ok, kejap tanya laki kita. Hubby cakap ok, nanti kita pergi tengok. 

Hari Ahad tu kitorang pun pergi Kampung Pandan nak pergi tengok this maid. 

Sampai kat sana, tiba-tiba came one Indonesian lady with blonde hair, ala glamour talking to induk's husband. Then I cakap kat Induk, kalau ini orangnya I reject or else I beli tudung untuk pompuan ni. Pastu kitorang ketawa-ketawa la. Tapi not this lady la. Dia bawak kitorang kat somewhere that area and pick up the maid. Rupanya pompuan tu agent.

Dari jauh I nampak dah maid tu, I cakap ok jela cos nampak ok. Masa mula-mula tu I noticed that she wearing tudung but with tight baju and seluar. You know that baju baby-T type, ketat and lengan pendek macamtu. I macam apala dia pakai ni. Takpela cause kalau kita perasan Indonesian memang suka pakai macamtu. Siap make up bagai dengan eye shadow, hahahahah. Tak taula kalau agent tu tipu dia cakap kerja jadi PA ke hape ke kan! Hahaahah

Induk yang interview dia banyak. Dia came together with her husband. Ada laki la pulak and cakap once a month, dia nak balik Kg Pandan sehari. Hantar Saturday tengahari and ambik balik Sunday tengahari jugak. I thought dia makeup to impress my husband ke, tapi since dia bawak laki, tak la.

Mula - mula macam alamak, tak bestnya la kan, ada laki la plak. Tapi kalau fikir balik its ok kalau once a month sebab dia kata laki dia keje kat Penang pun jarang balik. Okey, takpe, I will monitor for two months, tengok macammana. Then, when I had conversation with mak, mak cakap okla tu ada laki why?

1) Dia ada laki, insyaAllah takkan ngorat laki kita, hahahahhaha!

2) Komitmen untuk kerja tinggi sebab ada keluarga, tak sedih-sedih ingat kat negeri sendiri.

3) She is old jugak she claimed her age 32 (dah macam umur aku jugak), so hopefully she won't get pregnant in meantime. Kalau tengok balik rupa buat kata Induk and hubby, entah-entah dah nak masuk 40, diorang ni kan suka tipu umur kan? Whatever.

First time we pick her up, muka dia nampak cam cuak, sedih pun ada. Agaknya sebab nak berpisah dengan laki. Harapnya laki dia setiala kan. We promise to pay some amount of money monthly. 

Apa yang aku harap ialah she will help me with house work and I will help her by paying salary. Dia pun tau main task dia nak jaga boboi dalam perut ni. So I dah cakap awal-awal dia kena kemas bersih-bersih rumah before I got delivered because after this, dia akan focus kat baby sahaja.

Dia cuma akan buat kerja rumah on Saturday and Sunday.  So hari ni, dia telah di dera oleh my husband yang bossy ni. Hahahahahah. Then bila dah pukul 8 lebih (after dia buat cekodok for dinner), I asked her to sleep, my husband marah. I pun macam esok kan I nak suruh dia basuh langsir pulak. My husband cakap biar dia bersih everything dulu. Tapi dia pun faham bersihkan dulu semua then baru dia tidur.

Yela, kita kena berperikemanusiaan sikit la kan. Konsep I senang, kau tolong aku, aku tolong kau, senang kan? Jangan buat  hal sudah. Plus bibik dari Jawa, mak and ayah pun suka somebody from Jawa. We were family la macam tu (not me ya!)

Before ni, I always thought kalau macam hari raya ke kan, kalau balik Kuantan ke, mana nak letak bibik ni, rasanya bagi je cuti hantar ke kat laki dia. Disadvantage ada bibik ni, adalah kalau die terpregnant (hubby nak cakap dengan dia pasal benda ni), kalau laki dia bawak lari dia dsb. Dan lain-lain masaalah la kan.

I just hope that maid boleh tolong buat kerja rumah dan jaga boboi. Marsya still hantar ke Taska sebab I guess she will be better there. Next year, InsyaAllah kalau ada rezeki, I will send her to playschool (half day) and bibik jaga after that.

I jugak mintak Allah jauhkan kami dari sebarang malapetaka, insiden dan sebagainya. Pelihara keluarga kami dan bibik ni supaya kami dapat cari rezeki untuk keluarga kami. Additional to this, as usual Marsya dah kamcing dah dengan bibik. Dia selalu confuse panggil kakak. Whatever. Siap cakap tak nak pergi taska, tinggal dengan bibik.

Mula-mula aku ingat bibik ni racun Marsya cakap camtu kat dia. Memang pun. Bibik tu keep telling Marsya nanti tinggal dengan bibik SEBAB bibik ni confuse dia kena jaga Marsya. Tapi tadi aku dah explain kat bibik cakap, tak, bibik tak jaga Marsya, jaga baby sahaja. Dia ingat dia kena jaga Marsya dan baby.

Okey apa-apa pun I just hope everything will be fine. Bersyukur kat Allah. My instinct told me that she is ok, I always believe my instinct. Tapi, jangan letakkan kepercayaan seratus peratus, selalu berhati-hati.

ALLAH selalu tolong kita, samada kita sedar ke tak, jangan PUTUS ASA. DIA beri kita kesusahan pada sesuatu perkara tetepi kesenangan kepada perkara yang lain. Alhamdulillah!

Bukan Malaikat....

Rasa macam tak ikhlas buat semua ni, rasa tak ikhlas nak meng’ikhlas’ kan bende yang tak patut. Rasa berdosa sebab terpaksa berpura-pura macam ikhlas. Rasa macam nak jerit, wa sedap korag guna duit aku, harap korang sume tak balik dah, boleh? Rasa berdosa tu tetap ada, tapi I am not an angel, jauh sekali umat yang ‘maksum’.

 

Biarlah semua ni nanti jadi perkara yang lebih baik pada masa akan datang. Biarlah suatu hari nanti I will go away from here tanpa tanpa rasa dendam. Tanpa rasa bersalah, tanpa benci. Rasa macam nak pergi sekarang tapi ada 1001 alasan yang tak boleh diketepikan, yang terpaksa di hadapi.

 

An organization needs a good leader also a good team player, if not it will fall.  Leader if he failed to lead, he will fail for whole life. Sometimes age doesn’t show the maturity. It only a number stands for the year you own. The age of 20 plus only show the less matured globally, nothing much more, no improvement at all.

 

Those people goes globally, do things beyond thinking, do improvement outsides the boxes so that their company could move.

 

If you are a leader you have to know where you are stand to. Bukan setakat dengar cakap orang yang kau suka and then bila diorang buat salah which you cannot accept, hate them for life time. Should hate yourself because put trust on them too much. Suara orang yang tak reti bodek di ketepikan atas unsur – unsur peribadi. At the end, no one will stand for you if you fail. You will face this alone and regretting past time.

 

Bila nak seronok-seronok ada puak yang diperlukan. Bila ada kerja urgent ada balaci yang di perlukan. Alhamdulillah, I am not balaci. I am doing my tasks and that’s all. I dunno how to bodek but I know how to do my work well. If one day I am out of here, I know that I will survive. I believe in myself. I know I can do it. BUT, do not take granted on me. I have my limits. If I leave, I will leave forever. Aku tak pernah lagila jilat balik ludah aku so far.

 

Jangan ingat what you all give to me make me stay. Di suruh itu ini. Before this, I memang tak pernah merungut but this one happen when my daughter sick. She is really sick and plus I was in 36 weeks pregnany, already yang dah tak larat.

 

The question will go ‘datang tak esok’. ‘Are you in the office?’ Wah wah wah. Why questions like ‘Are your daugher well?’ ‘How was she?’ takde? HARAM! Takpela hari ni hari korang kan! I was like super exhausted because have to stay up ikut schedule makan ubat anak and Tuesday nite Marsya shaking all over which make me cried all night. Macam- macam fikir dalam kepala ni, I will lost myself if anything happen to her ever!

 

The next day, I terus pergi Colombia. She got really high fever, padahal dia dah makan ubat and we are already buat check up kat Klinik Ding last Monday morning.

 

Honestly, I am frustrated, regret why I have to stuck with this s----- people!!!! They are s----- but I am not! Even I memaki by using bad words already.

Perempuan jenis apa yang sanggup tinggalkan anak-anak dan suami dan pergi berhibur dan suka-suka??? Rasanya perempuan jenis apa? Masa kau nak pergi, ada kau fikir kau nak bagi kerja kau kat siapa? Ada? I hope that Allah will show all of you a better way and also for a better way for me: TO GET OUT FROM HERE!

 

May daughter is sick, I am in deep terrible emotion and nobody cares. Kerja walau gaji beribu-ribu tapi if my family tak sihat, tak happy and I am not happy, what is the point? Emosi pada masa ni teruk! Anak yang sakit dan sangat susah hati, ditambah pula emak yang sakit juga. Mak dapat high blood pressure and tumit dia sakit, tpi dia still datang jugak to my house to take care of Marsya sebab I have to go to office to because all of them wasn’t in the office. Went for some s--- trip ke whatever. Aku bukan dengki dan tak ingin ke tempat korang pergi tu tapi aku kena masuk kerja hari ini sebab benda b----!

 

(CRIED!!!!!) Kesian kat mak yang kena datang jugak. Dahla masa kecik pun mak yang jaga masa sakit, ini dah ada anak pun, mak kena datang jagakan? (CRIED.......!!!)

 

I hope Allah akan balas semua perbuatan korang hari ini kat aku.

 

I am not an angel, jauh sekali maksum!

Kun Faya Kun

Kadang-kadang perkara yang tak terduga akan berlaku and when we are expected something else, tapi yang berlaku sebaliknya. Dan juga perkara yang berlaku itu menghalang kita untuk melakukan perkara lain yang sudah lama di rancang. Allah lebih mengetahui kejadian di langit dan di bumi dan perkara-perkara begini lebih mendekatkan diri kita dengan penciptaNya.

I happen to me, siapa sangka lepas je graduate I've being promoted to the position that I expect could be happen like in 5 years time? Never in my mind to become like this, I was hoping increasing in salary je, that's all. Tapi, tak baiklah kalau tak bersyukur, rezeki Allah yang beri dan anak dalam perut ni pula menendang-nendang ibu sewaktu post ini di tulis. Suruh tidur mungkin barangkali tetapi banyak perkara yang hendak di lakukan malam ini. 

Alhamdulilah, rezeki anak dan gaji juga naik. It's double joy. Rezeki Marsya dan baby Muhamad. InsyaAllah.

With current salary, it made me to think back whether patut kah teruskan pekerjaan ini atau tukar sahaja ke career lain. I was thinking of lecturing because for me, itu pekerjaan mulia. Saya mahu cari saham akhirat pula, takut nanti tak berkesempatan untuk mengumpul apa-apa di alam barzakh.

Tapi, dengan gaji sekarang it more than enough for me to get some rest and raise my children. Ehtah, bila berada di persimpangan macam nila yang selalunya kita akan confuse and might afraid to made a wrong decision which we are going to regret for the whole life time.

PhD kena ambil juga, it value to myself, bak kata pepatah, belajar hingga ke negeri China, tapi I don't have to go to China. Ke UiTM sahaja dah memadai sebab it took only 15 mins from where I am staying now. Tak ada masaalah dengan itu rasanya.

Unfortunately, dalam fikiran saya masih ada satu dilema yang tidak dapat di elakkan. Selalu berkata pada husband, even I got 10k pun per month but if you are not succeed, the family are not going to success. Ye, perempuan ni kalau jawatannya manager ke, director ke kalau suaminya tidak berjaya, kehidupannya mungkin akan biasa-biasa sahaja. 

Semuanya terletak kepada suami. The other part cuma mengangguk, dia faham apa yang cuba saya sampaikan. Beberapa projek berada dalam tangan cuma belum berjalan. I will always pray for you dear love. Takut kalau projek tidak menjadi, maka harapan akan musnah, itu sahaja. Redha sebab selama saya redha selama itulah rezeki husband datang mencurah. Niat tiap kali duit itu datang, berniatlah dalam hati hendak membayar hutang piutang, insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan jalannya.

Jadi, semoga hari mendatang ini, keluarga akan terus dilimpahi rahmat dan rezeki yang halal. Memberi makan anak rezeki yang halal walau macammana susah pun, I got to do it, to face it. Semakin cuba menjauh dari sesuatu, semakin dekat pula sesuatu perkara. Wallahualam. Kun faya kun. I always remind myself. Put trust in Allah and have faith.

2013

2013 is coming and leave 2012 behind. Cepat kan masa berlalu, terlalu cepat dan pantas. Sepanjang 2012, ada banyak perkara yang saya dah achieve in example, I already finish my study, career on the stable path, dah on the way on adding new family member. 

And I've also already got plan when to add another family member. Means, nak berapa lagi anak and bila kah waktunya. Then, sebenarnya in my mind I already plan to further study once I don't want to have another baby, full time study and then to be a lecturer.

I tak nak cerita about 2012 sebab whatever yang dah berlalu biarlah berlalu, let it be. Just focus for your future. Adding up to this, my plan for 2013 will be:-

1) Raising up two children, how was it could be?

2) Confinement plan - at own home (ni involve banyak benda) - deliver by April 12th. June baru naik office balik

3) Ada maid coming on March - dilemma - adakah baby akan di jaga maid or anyone else - takde keputusan lagi. I do really not sure about this.

4) Berhari raya (dah 2 tahun berhari raya dengan mertua family) dengan my family this year with two kids - aqiqah will be on the raya time (for baby) - have to save lots of money!

5) I will organize 3rd birthday party Marsya this year, hopefully cause she already asking 'her birthday party' - September - since she dah pandai bercakap, she talk a lot and cakap dah pandai bukan-bukan sekarang.

6) Try to find a hobby - something you do when you have some times - something like that.

Oh ya, I want to attend swimming class, saya masih mahu belajar berenang walaupun sudah tua, saya masih mahu juga. Tak salah bercita-cita kan? Saya mahu kurus dan slim dan lots of wardrobe will be change after confinement. No more baju buruk-buruk dan dark colour. My dear lovely husband will choose color for me after this time. Itulah a paert of azam 2013 dan semoga menjadi kenyataan.

When there is a will, there is a way.