I plan my day, even ada yang dah terkeluar dari planning. Tak kisah, tapi kadang - kadang benda tak plan ambil waktu lebih lama dari yang kita jangka. Hari ini moto kata saya "double standard is everywhere, we could not realised it, do not expect too much." Eh dah kenapa ni tiba-tiba???
Today, we (human) judge another human by what they drive, where they lived (do they own houses), how many kids they have, how much they earn agaknya? Then, will be double standard of everything. Kalau tak up to the standard, mungkin tak kawan sangat la kot?
Mungkin saya juga ada letak kan standard tertentu kepada persekitaran saya? Tak pasti. Perhaps!
Dalam previous entry, I already told that if I am in high level of stress, saya akan dapat gastric, yes, again last Sunday saya kena gastric and one of my friend ask me to study on GERD. This time, I sleep on the toilet. To that extent. Muntah. Pain like h***.
I hated when I sick and I do hate if my spouse didn't understand my situation. She (a friend of mine) asked me to do further check up but government hospital is very like slow. She has no option rather than Serdang. I will do further check up on myself. I will make sure that I am totally fine and healthy inside and outside. In sya Allah. Mengenangkan ada dua umat kecil that still need my attention and a big baby whom I care since almost six years.
Sampai saat ni GERD tu masih belum di fahami. Hahhaahhaah. But the sebu still had not gone yet. Macam rasa tak sedap perut everyday. Constipation pun memang failed. I harap nothing is serious la.
Back to cerita double standard it happens in our cousin wed where in colour theme which our family wear totally different colour from the newly weds family but when it turn to the other side they wear slightly similar colour. This I called double standard. Ayat tu mungkin berbelit sedikit tetapi tak perlu difahami. Mungkin sebab keluarga belah kami kurang kaya berbanding keluarga sebelah lagi. Hahahhaah. It is life kan, I had no heart feelings on that. I only can smile!
I have being treated double standard many times, so I guess it is not our times yet. Hidup ni macam roda, kejap kau kat atas, kejap kau kat bawah.
Masaalah bila kita rasa takde masaalah sangat but tiba-tiba kita pulak ada masaalah. I being told by ex officemate gossip terbaru lepas gosip I tak balik kampung lama tersebar meluas kat ofis lama, gaduh dengan mak bapak, ini gossip kata I got this problem with the uncle via ex boss and tak mahu balik for the wedding. I macam stone dah kat situ.
Mungkin tak ada apa nak diperkata dah so, itu la gosip paling baru. Tapi I show up. Because I know how to respect. I am well educated. Yes, I am.
If again I say I could turn back time, I takkan kerja kat ofis lama where I spent 7 years there. I got this permanent head damange during the whole past 7 years, tortured by Miss S, Kak Z, Kak Az psyco by Rin, kena tuduh macam-macam, kena tiru signature and turn me into someone else. I promise myself I will forget of everything after I quit but it keeps haunting me all the times. Forgive but not forgotten. And I see all of them had a good life, which I still can't moved on thinking.
And also at the end, the relationships with the uncle and also the auntie is not so good you know, its kinda thing.
My relationships with siblings also not so good lately and I promise to keep silence of everything. To find myself, trying to figure out who I was before and to be good you know. It maybe kita ada sakitkan hati sesiapa yang kita tak pasti sebab kita ni human je, lemah. I also keep away my children from anyone so that anybody won't feel the burden sebab anak-anak mummy memang sangat baik lately. Hahahahahahha.
When I stress, I kinda got into fight with husband and therefore I feel lonely. Rasa nak flush diri dalam toilet bowl. Fuh fuh fuh. Gone. Hahahah. But I know Allah test people that He loved and I trust Allah loves me than I know. So, the only person that feels right to be in this time is my husband and trying to avoid any fight between us is the best solution. All I want is his time.
And at the same time cari ruang waktu untuk diri sendiri. Cari - cari balik yang terbaik dalam diri dan terus istiqamah menjadi yang baik - baik dan berfikir positif sahaja.
